Nerfing Joey Chestnut

The greatest eater on planet earth is Joey Chestnut. He’s probably the best eater to ever live. His list of eating records is extensive to say the least: 141 hard boiled eggs in 8 minutes, 390 shrimp wontons, 118 jalapeno poppers at the college with the 4th most douchbags (4,298) in the United States, University of Arizona. Simply put, he’s the goat. 

The Hot Dog King

The marquee eating competition each summer is the Nathans Hot Dog eating contest, a battle that he has dominated over his nearly two decade long reign. Totally didn’t realize that Matt Stonie beat him by 2 hot dogs one year, damn. I digress. I’m always tuned in to see how many dogs he can shove down his gullet, its always incredible to see him go after his own record, but I’ve been thinking about some ways to potentially nerf him to make the competition a little closer. It would get more asses in seats potentially I don’t know.

1. Remove all of Joey Chestnuts teeth

It would only be fair that if this procedure took place that he would be provided with a strong set of dentures for when he’s not competing in the Nathan’s contest. Don’t want to fuck with his quality of life. Now this would be a challenge. How’s he supposed to swallow 80 dogs and buns with just gums? What a mess that’d be. Typing this out now I realise that this would be brutal to watch, but that's why the complimentary dentures would be so important. I think he’d still be able to put up a good fight becuase his bite force is 280 pounds (look it up) about that of a domestic dog or honey badger.

2. Mandatory condiment application to eat dog

Forcing Chestnut to apply ketchup or mustard OR both to each dog he consumes will hinder his performance greatly. I’ve done extensive research on how much time it would add per dog and its like 1 second. Which to the naked eye doesn’t seem like much, but in a 10 minute competetion where he’s eating upwards of 60 dogs, that shaves off an entire minute of potential dog consuming time. Makes ya think. Now, he would still most likely win because of the massive lead he usually is at after like the 5 or 6 minute mark, actually more like the first 1 or 2 minutes now that I look at it, but it would still make it a little more entertaining.

3. Make Joey Chestnut wear sliding mitts on each hand

This would be a sight to see. Joey looking like Trea Turner stealing a bag, double sliding mitt’d up. It would be a challenging task for all sorts of reasons. It would take him a longer amount of time to drink water during the match. Not to mention he’d have no free fingers for hot dog eating. He may just be better off stuffing his face into the dogs and seeing what happens. Although, I could honestly see him getting in a groove and figuring it out. I think the thumbs are free when you have a sliding mitt on so he may be able to utilize that. They flatness of the mitt may be good for shoving them down his throat too. Who know’s?

Now imagine him with 70 hot dogs

4. Submerge Joey Chestnut in water

Would he need to implement some lung workouts into his training regimen? Yes he would. But would it make for great TV? Hell yeah it would. If he can learn how to hold his breath for two minutes at a time this thing could be doable. It would also be a big help for his dog eating abilities with the buns being soaking wet. I’m thinking that you get him in like a 7 foot tank like one a magician would use when he locks himself in there and has to free himself. Or herself!! If not, maybe get him a snorkel or some sort of breathing apparatus. It would definitely take his dog total down a little bit but would be quite the challenge.

Blaine