Big 4 Commisioner Beer Olympics

It’s prime Beer Olympics season as we enter the dog days of summer. We’ve also reached an interesting point in the sports calendar where only one of the major sports is in season, that being the MLB. With less action in the sports world over the coming weeks, we have no choice as sports fans to find ways to make fun of owners. We all saw Adam Silver get boo’d at the NBA draft last week, that's always a great sight during draft day. What a dweeb. Anyways. Originally I wanted to put each commissioner up against one another in a series of boxing matches to decide the most fierce one, but when typing the title of this I put a “z” instead of an “x” in boxing and it looked like the word boozing and I thought theoretically imagining these older gentlemen compete in flip cup would be much more fun.

Very cool, Roger

So here’s how it's going to work:

• 2 commissioners to a team

• Goodell got to be a captain and has the first pick because that's what he decided and he chose his bitch Adam Silver to be on his team. So it's Goodell and Silver vs Manfred and Bettman.

• There will be 4 drinking competitions: 3 beer chug, flip cup, beer pong, dizzy bat relay race

• If its a tie after 4 competitions they fist fight to decide a winner last team standing wins

Game 1 - Beer Chug

Rules: each participant has to finish 3 beers. They are timed. Team with the lowest cumulative time wins.

I think Goodell can handle his alcohol pretty well, he was pretty plastered during the 2020 draft and still delivered but what the hell else could you do during quarantine. The problem for this team in this competition would not be Roger, he could get down three beers in a minute or so. The problem would be the bald headed man vomiting on himself next to him. Silver is finishing half of the first beer max. As for Bettman I don’t think he has much of a problem with the alcohol and I think that he would fire ManFRAUD up enough to scarf down the booze. This will be a 2 horse fight throughout the tournament: Goodell vs Bettman. Team NHL/MLB take game 1.

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Game 2 - Flip Cup

Rules: each player flips 2 cups, they gotta flip all 4 to win. Best of 3.

This is where Adam Silver’s brain comes into play. And also Goodell’s love for bending the rules. I can see a world where Silver gets flip cup down to a science based on geometric angles and wind patterns. I don’t think he misses a flip and just powers through the alcohol. Goodell will use two hands and adequately dampen the playing surface so the cup doesn’t bounce up. I don’t think Bettman and Manfraud have a chance in this one. NFL/NBA in a rout.

extremely accurate

Game 3 - Beer Pong

Rules: 6 cup, 1 rerack

What a game this would be. We have to consider the fact that the guys are starting to feel a little intoxicated, and Adam Silver has blacked out. That will definitely be a disadvantage for Goodell’s squad. This match could last upwards of half a day, but my guts telling me that NHL/MLB will make enough shots to win it. I think Silver is going to be a nonfactor and this is where Goodell will start to get physical with poor Adam. I bet Goodell makes 5 shots and they just can’t get the last one to fall. Bettman will sink the last one to send us to game 4. NHL/MLB up 2-1.

balls back

Game 4 - Dizzy Bat Relay Race

Rules: wiffle ball bat filled with beer. They chug the beer then spin 10 times. Have to run to the wall and back. Not sure how far the wall is away. Looks like 25 yards-ish.

Goodell just won’t take no for an answer here. Silver goes first and gets them about 35 seconds behind the others, but in a glorious display of cheating which involves beer pouring down Goodells chest and him starting to run during spin 5, they find a way to pull it out. Manfred will succumb to Goodells antics while Bettman beats the living shit out of Goodell and decides the whole competition for us. 

Gary Bettman leads ManFRAUD to victory

With Goodell unconscious from Bettman's fist and Silver knocked out from alcohol poisoning, the NHL/MLB boys take home the crown.